If you wanted to figure out what really matters for raising happy, successful kids, you’d need to randomly select a bunch of babies from a broad spectrum of backgrounds.
Then you’d need to follow them for decades.
Only after measuring a multitude of factors about their personalities, families, schools, and neighborhoods could you tease out what mattered and what didn’t.
That sounds like a tall ask. But thanks to a team of dedicated psychologists who have been following and intimately recording the lives of more than 1,000 kids from the New Zealand town of Dunedin since 1972, we actually have such a study.
The scientists now have more than 40 years of data. What has it all revealed about how to raise well-adjusted, financially successful kids?
What 40 years of data says about raising successful kids
More than 1,000 scientific papers’ worth of insight, actually, as this deep-dive article from Science into the history of “one of the more comprehensive and probing investigations of human development ever conducted” makes clear.
Analyses of the Dunedin data have found that most troublemakers grow out of juvenile delinquency, that mental health problems are more common than previously believed, and that early puberty is particularly stressful for girls.
DUNEDIN MULTIDISCIPLINARY HEALTH AND DEVELOPMENT RESEARCH UNIT, UNIVERSITY OF OTAGO
It’s a grab bag of fascinating results, but which is the most useful for entrepreneur parents hoping to give their kids the best shot at a good life?
Perhaps the incredible importance of building kids’ emotional intelligence for later-in-life success.
The best predictor of kids’ success? Emotional intelligence
Parents often stress about their kids’ academic performance, worth ethic, and behavior toward others.
Those things are clearly important. But according to the Dunedin study, none of them is the best predictor of whether a particular child will grow up to lead a satisfying, financially stable life. Neither is the wealth, education, or socioeconomic status of the parents.
What seems to matter most is whether kids understand their emotions and manage their reactions to them constructively.
Psychologist Daniel Goleman, often referred to as the godfather of emotional intelligence for his role in popularizing the concept, summed up the Dunedin findings in a recent keynote:
“What they found was that in their 30s, the strongest predictor of financial success was cognitive control, stronger than IQ and stronger than the wealth of the family they grew up in. So how well you do in your life depends on your levels of cognitive control.”
EQ is a skill, not a trait.
You may have heard of the famous (if much debated) marshmallow test that asks kids to resist eating a tasty marshmallow for a few minutes to get two marshmallows later on.
This is the kind of emotional intelligence Goleman and the Dunedin researchers are talking about.
It’s the ability to understand and, if necessary, override your feelings and impulses. There’s an incredible amount of science to show it impacts not just how successful kids are later in life, but how we all do in life. (For confirmation, you can ask Adam Grant or Oprah.)
Which might make you worry if you suspect your kid wouldn’t be able to resist gobbling that marshmallow.
But there’s good news from Dunedin for parents. Not only did the study show just how important EQ is for kids’ later success, but it also showed that this kind of EQ isn’t an inborn trait. It can be cultivated.
“The research indicated that self-control is not only a personal trait but can also be influenced by external factors such as parenting, education, and early intervention programs. Children who receive support and guidance in developing self-control skills tend to fare better as adults. This underscores the importance of fostering these abilities from a young age,” explains pediatrician Harry Goldstein
How to cultivate your child’s EQ
There’s plenty of advice out there on how parents can support the development of their kid’s EQ.
Tips include helping your child talk through their emotions and empathizing with them, modeling curiosity and humility, and even exposing them to art and literature as a way to think through the complexities of being human.
Read up on fostering emotional intelligence by following the links above for more information, but the essential takeaway for parents from the Dunedin study is just how valuable EQ is for kids.
Emotional intelligence isn’t just about being nice or even-keeled. It’s a fundamental skill that greatly impacts how well kids do emotionally and financially.
Which means parents should probably pay as much attention to it as they do to report cards and manners.
Looking at this groundbreaking research, it becomes clear that emotional intelligence isn’t just a nice-to-have skill—it’s the foundation everything else builds on.
However, understanding why it matters so much and how to actually develop it in real life requires delving deeper into what emotional intelligence truly means in practice.
What Emotional Intelligence Looks Like in Daily Life
When we talk about emotional intelligence, it’s easy to think of it as some abstract concept. But in reality, it shows up in the smallest moments of a child’s day.
It’s the difference between a kid who throws their backpack across the room when they’re frustrated with homework versus one who takes a deep breath and says, “This is hard, but I can figure it out.”
It’s the child who notices their friend seems sad at lunch and asks if they’re okay, versus the one who’s too caught up in their own world to notice.
It’s the teenager who feels angry about not making the team but channels that disappointment into working harder for next season, rather than giving up entirely.
These moments might seem small, but they’re actually the building blocks of how someone will handle the much bigger challenges that come later in life.
The person who learns to pause before reacting as a child becomes the adult who doesn’t send that angry email at work.
The kid who can bounce back from disappointment becomes the adult who can handle business setbacks without falling apart.
The Real-World Impact of Poor Emotional Control
The Dunedin study didn’t just track success—it also revealed what happens when emotional intelligence is lacking.
The researchers found that children who struggled with emotional control were more likely to have financial problems as adults, not because they weren’t smart enough or didn’t work hard enough, but because they made impulsive decisions that hurt them in the long run.
Think about it: the adult who can’t control their spending impulses, who quits jobs when they get frustrated, who burns bridges with colleagues during disagreements—these aren’t necessarily people who lack intelligence or skills.
They’re often people who never learned to manage their emotional reactions effectively.
The study showed that these patterns often start early. A child who has explosive tantrums at age five is more likely to have relationship problems at twenty-five.
A teenager who can’t delay gratification is more likely to have credit card debt in their thirties. The connections are striking and consistent.
Why Traditional Parenting Approaches Often Miss the Mark
Many parents focus heavily on academic achievement, thinking that good grades are the key to future success.
Others emphasize discipline and obedience, believing that well-behaved children will naturally become successful adults.
While these things certainly matter, the Dunedin research suggests that focusing solely on these areas might miss the most important piece of the puzzle.
The problem with focusing only on academic performance is that it doesn’t teach kids how to handle failure, frustration, or setbacks.
A child might get straight A’s but still struggle tremendously when they face their first real challenge or disappointment. Similarly, a child who’s very obedient might struggle to make independent decisions or advocate for themselves when they need to.
The most successful approach seems to be one that weaves emotional intelligence development into everything else.
It’s not about choosing between academic success and emotional intelligence—it’s about helping kids develop both simultaneously.
The Building Blocks of Emotional Intelligence
Breaking down emotional intelligence into its core components makes it easier to understand how to develop it.
The first component is self-awareness—helping kids recognize and name their emotions as they’re happening. This sounds simple, but many adults struggle with this basic skill.
The second component is self-regulation—the ability to manage those emotions constructively. This doesn’t mean suppressing feelings or pretending everything is fine. It means learning to feel emotions fully while still making good choices about how to respond.
The third component is motivation—the ability to use emotions as fuel for achieving goals rather than letting them derail progress. A child with strong emotional intelligence learns to use their disappointment about a poor test grade as motivation to study harder, rather than as an excuse to give up.
The fourth component is empathy—understanding and responding appropriately to other people’s emotions. This skill is crucial for building the relationships that support both personal happiness and professional success.
The final component is social skills—the ability to navigate complex social situations, communicate effectively, and build positive relationships with others.
How Emotional Intelligence Develops Naturally
Children aren’t born with fully developed emotional intelligence, but they are born with the capacity to develop it. The process typically unfolds in predictable stages, though every child moves through these stages at their own pace.
Very young children experience emotions intensely but have little ability to control or even understand them. This is why toddlers have such dramatic reactions to seemingly small events—they’re feeling everything at full intensity without any ability to regulate those feelings.
As children grow, they gradually develop the ability to recognize and name their emotions. This is a crucial step that many parents can support by helping their children build an emotional vocabulary.
Instead of just saying “I’m mad,” a child might learn to distinguish between feeling frustrated, disappointed, angry, or hurt.
The ability to manage emotional responses develops more slowly and continues well into adolescence and even early adulthood.
This is why teenagers often struggle with emotional regulation—their brains are still developing the neural pathways needed for consistent self-control.
The Role of Stress in Emotional Development
One of the most important findings from decades of research is that some stress is actually necessary for healthy emotional development. Children who are protected from all disappointment and frustration never learn to cope with these inevitable parts of life.
The key is finding the right balance. Too much stress can overwhelm a child’s developing emotional systems, but too little stress means they don’t get the practice they need to build resilience.
The sweet spot is what researchers call “tolerable stress”—challenges that are difficult but manageable with appropriate support.
This might mean letting your child experience the disappointment of not making the team, while providing comfort and helping them process those feelings.
It might mean allowing them to struggle with a difficult homework assignment before stepping in to help. It means resisting the urge to solve all their problems for them while still being available for support and guidance.
The Connection Between Emotional Intelligence and Financial Success
The link between emotional intelligence and financial success isn’t immediately obvious, but it becomes clear when you consider what financial success really requires. It’s not just about earning money—it’s about making smart decisions with money over time.
People with high emotional intelligence are better at delaying gratification, which means they’re more likely to save money instead of spending it impulsively.
They’re better at managing stress, which means they’re less likely to make poor financial decisions when they’re feeling anxious or overwhelmed.
They’re also better at building relationships, which opens up more opportunities for career advancement and business success.
They’re more likely to negotiate effectively, to handle workplace conflicts constructively, and to bounce back from setbacks without giving up entirely.
Perhaps most importantly, they’re better at learning from their mistakes. Instead of being derailed by failure, they use it as information to make better decisions in the future. This resilience is crucial for long-term financial success.
Creating an Emotionally Intelligent Home Environment
The environment in which children grow up plays a huge role in their emotional development. Homes that support emotional intelligence have several key characteristics that parents can cultivate.
First, emotions are treated as normal and important. All feelings are acknowledged, even if all behaviors aren’t acceptable. A child might hear, “I can see you’re really angry about this, and that’s okay. But hitting your sister is not okay. Let’s find a better way to handle these big feelings.”
Second, problems are seen as opportunities to learn rather than failures to avoid. When something goes wrong, the focus is on understanding what happened and how to handle it better next time, rather than on blame or punishment.
Third, adults model the emotional intelligence they want to see. Children learn more from watching how their parents handle stress, disappointment, and conflict than they do from any lecture about proper behavior.
Fourth, there’s plenty of time for unstructured play and exploration. Children develop emotional intelligence through interactions with others, through imaginative play, and through the trial and error of navigating social situations.
The Importance of Failure and Recovery
One of the most counterintuitive findings from the research is that children who experience some failure and disappointment actually develop stronger emotional intelligence than those who don’t.
This doesn’t mean parents should create unnecessary hardship for their children, but it does mean they shouldn’t try to protect them from all difficulty.
The key is being present during these difficult moments to help children process their experiences.
When a child fails at something, the immediate reaction might be to feel sad, angry, or frustrated. These feelings are normal and healthy. The important thing is what happens next.
Children who learn to sit with difficult emotions, to understand them, and then to take constructive action develop a kind of emotional resilience that serves them throughout their lives. They learn that feelings, even painful ones, are temporary and manageable.
Building Emotional Vocabulary
One of the most practical ways parents can support their child’s emotional development is by helping them build a rich vocabulary for emotions.
Many children (and adults) operate with a very limited emotional vocabulary, using words like “good,” “bad,” “mad,” or “sad” to describe complex internal experiences.
The more precisely children can identify their emotions, the better they can manage them. There’s a big difference between feeling “mad” and feeling “disappointed,” “frustrated,” “embarrassed,” or “overwhelmed.” Each of these emotions might call for a different response.
Parents can support this development by using specific emotion words in daily conversation, by reading books that explore complex emotions, and by helping children identify the physical sensations that go along with different feelings.
A child might learn that frustration feels like tightness in their chest, while excitement feels like butterflies in their stomach.
The Long-Term View
Perhaps the most important thing parents can remember is that emotional intelligence development is a long-term process.
There will be setbacks, regressions, and moments when it feels like nothing is working. This is completely normal and doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.
The children in the Dunedin study who showed the strongest emotional intelligence as adults weren’t necessarily the ones who were the most emotionally mature as children.
They were the ones who had consistent support and practice in developing these skills over time.
The investment in emotional intelligence pays dividends for decades. The child who learns to manage their emotions effectively becomes the teenager who can handle peer pressure, the young adult who can navigate the challenges of independence, and the adult who can build meaningful relationships and achieve their goals.
The research makes it clear: while academic achievement and good behavior matter, the ability to understand and manage emotions is the foundation that everything else builds on.
It’s never too early to start supporting this development, and it’s never too late to continue learning these crucial life skills.
Age-Specific Strategies for Different Developmental Stages
Understanding how emotional intelligence develops at different ages helps parents tailor their approach to their child’s current capabilities.
What works for a preschooler won’t necessarily work for a teenager, and expecting too much too soon can actually hinder development.
For toddlers and preschoolers, the focus should be on basic emotion recognition and simple coping strategies.
This is the age when children are just beginning to understand that their feelings have names and that other people have feelings too.
Parents can help by narrating emotions throughout the day: “You seem frustrated that your block tower fell down. That’s disappointing when something you worked hard on doesn’t work out.”
Elementary school children can handle more complex emotional concepts. They can learn to identify the difference between primary emotions (like sadness about a lost toy) and secondary emotions (like anger about feeling sad).
They can also begin to understand that their actions affect other people’s feelings and that they have some control over their emotional responses.
Middle school brings unique challenges as children navigate more complex social situations while dealing with physical and hormonal changes.
This is when emotional intelligence becomes crucial for peer relationships and academic success. Children this age can learn more sophisticated emotion regulation techniques, like taking time to cool down before responding to conflict or using positive self-talk to manage anxiety.
High school students are developing adult-level emotional intelligence capabilities but still need guidance and support.
They can understand complex concepts like emotional triggers, recognize patterns in their emotional responses, and develop personalized strategies for managing stress and difficult feelings.
The Role of Technology in Emotional Development
Today’s children are growing up in a world very different from the one the Dunedin study participants experienced.
Technology and social media present both opportunities and challenges for emotional development that parents need to understand.
On one hand, technology can provide tools for emotional learning. Apps that help children identify emotions, video calls that maintain connections with distant relatives, and creative platforms that allow for emotional expression can all support healthy development.
On the other hand, excessive screen time can interfere with the face-to-face interactions that are crucial for developing emotional intelligence.
Children learn to read facial expressions, body language, and vocal tones through direct human interaction. They practice empathy by observing and responding to others’ emotions in real time.
The key is finding balance. Technology shouldn’t replace human interaction, but it can supplement it.
Parents might use a feelings app to help their child identify emotions, then follow up with a conversation about how to handle those feelings. They might watch a movie together and discuss the characters’ emotions and motivations.
Common Mistakes That Undermine Emotional Intelligence
Many well-meaning parents accidentally interfere with their child’s emotional development without realizing it. Understanding these common pitfalls can help parents avoid them.
One major mistake is trying to fix or eliminate all negative emotions. When a child is sad, disappointed, or frustrated, the natural parental instinct is to make those feelings go away as quickly as possible.
But children need to experience the full range of human emotions to develop emotional intelligence. Instead of immediately trying to cheer up a sad child, parents can sit with them in their sadness, validate their feelings, and help them process the experience.
Another common mistake is using emotions as tools for compliance. Saying things like “You’re making mommy very sad when you don’t listen” teaches children that they’re responsible for managing other people’s emotions. This can create anxiety and confusion about emotional boundaries.
Dismissing emotions as unimportant or dramatic also undermines development. When parents say things like “Don’t be so sensitive” or “You’re overreacting,” they’re teaching children not to trust their own emotional experiences. This can lead to difficulty recognizing and responding to emotions later in life.
The Ripple Effects of Emotional Intelligence
The benefits of strong emotional intelligence extend far beyond the individual child. Children with well-developed emotional skills contribute to more positive family dynamics, better classroom environments, and stronger peer relationships.
In families, emotionally intelligent children are better at communicating their needs, handling conflicts constructively, and showing empathy for family members.
They’re more likely to be helpful during family stress and less likely to create unnecessary drama or conflict.
In schools, these children contribute to better classroom climates. They’re more likely to be kind to classmates, less likely to engage in bullying behavior, and better able to focus on learning even when they’re experiencing difficult emotions.
Teachers often report that classrooms with emotionally intelligent students are more positive and productive environments for everyone.
In peer relationships, emotional intelligence helps children navigate the complex social dynamics of childhood and adolescence.
They’re better at making friends, maintaining relationships through conflicts, and being supportive when friends are struggling.
Cultural Considerations in Emotional Development
The Dunedin study focused on children from a specific cultural context, but emotional intelligence is important across all cultures.
However, the way emotions are expressed and managed can vary significantly between different cultural backgrounds.
Some cultures emphasize individual emotional expression, while others prioritize emotional restraint for the good of the group.
Some cultures have elaborate vocabularies for specific emotions, while others focus more on actions than feelings. Parents need to consider their cultural values while still supporting their child’s emotional development.
The key is finding ways to honor cultural traditions while still helping children develop the emotional skills they need to succeed in their particular environment.
A child might learn to express emotions differently at home than at school, or they might learn to balance individual emotional needs with family or community expectations.
The Economics of Emotional Intelligence
The financial benefits of emotional intelligence that the Dunedin study revealed aren’t just about earning more money—they’re about making better financial decisions throughout life.
Understanding this connection can help parents appreciate why investing time in emotional development is so important.
People with strong emotional intelligence are better at resisting impulse purchases because they can recognize and manage the emotions that drive spending.
They’re more likely to save for long-term goals because they can tolerate the temporary discomfort of not getting what they want immediately.
They’re also better at career advancement because they can handle workplace stress, build positive relationships with colleagues, and bounce back from setbacks without giving up.
These skills are increasingly valuable in today’s economy, where collaboration and adaptability are often more important than technical skills alone.
Signs of Healthy Emotional Development
Parents often wonder if their child is developing appropriate emotional intelligence for their age. While every child develops at their own pace, some general signs indicate healthy emotional development.
Young children who are developing well emotionally can usually name basic emotions, show empathy when others are hurt, and use simple strategies to calm themselves when upset.
They might not always succeed at managing their emotions, but they’re learning and improving over time.
School-age children with healthy emotional development can usually talk about their feelings, understand that emotions are temporary, and use appropriate strategies to handle difficult situations.
They’re developing friendships and can usually work through conflicts with minimal adult intervention.
Teenagers with strong emotional intelligence can recognize their emotional patterns, understand how their emotions affect their behavior, and make conscious choices about how to respond to challenging situations.
They’re building more mature relationships and taking increasing responsibility for their emotional well-being.
When to Seek Additional Support
While most children develop emotional intelligence naturally with appropriate support, some may need additional help.
Parents should consider seeking professional support if their child consistently struggles with emotional regulation despite consistent efforts to help them.
Signs that might indicate a need for additional support include persistent difficulty managing emotions that interfere with daily life, extreme emotional reactions that seem disproportionate to the situation, or ongoing problems with peer relationships that don’t improve over time.
Professional support might include counseling, social skills training, or other interventions designed to help children develop emotional intelligence. The earlier these issues are addressed, the better the outcomes tend to be.
The Dunedin study’s findings about emotional intelligence being the strongest predictor of financial success represent a fundamental shift in how we think about child development and success.
While academic achievement and good behavior remain important, the ability to understand and manage emotions may be the most crucial skill parents can help their children develop.
This doesn’t mean parents should abandon their focus on education or discipline. Instead, it means weaving emotional intelligence development into all aspects of parenting.
Every interaction with a child is an opportunity to support their emotional growth, and the investment in this development pays dividends for decades to come.
